October 1st, 2013

In my car, it's all packed up
On the street next to my park
I am uphill, looking down on it
Sort of saying goodbye.
Not really though, I know I'll be back
It would take a permanent altering lifechange to keep me away
Bittersweet familiar, mostly sweet but never perfect
Attached to.  We need to break up.  But we can still be friends.
This has been a long time coming, we've both known that.
But you will always be my past.

Also, this love.  This love I harbor,  This perfectly irrational unconditional emotional surrender.  You are right, we cannot work, and somewhere inside I have always known this.
You fucked me right here, where I'm sitting in my car, in another place, and with my selfish intention, that I must try to stop.  That selfish intention that drives me to irrational emotional surrender.  I can no longer fall for this state of mind, by the one I possess.  I must be rid of it, I must respect the emptiness it brings and be fulfilled with natural possession of my own.


PART TWO

It's funny that I feel more comfortable in the car than down in my park on a nice patch of grass under a tree.  A little ironic, this car is my freedom.  And by possessing my life inside of a vehicle I have condensed my emotions into the glass windows.  Love, anger, paranoia, patience...are all clear self-images through the windshield.  I only have myself to focus on, and my distractions are all tucked away in the Colorado totes.  I have no job to go to, although I hope to find one in the Rockies.  I do have a lot of crap.  Maybe not too much, but definitely a bit more than I want.  Lately have been trying to let go of stuff.  It's hard when I've spent the last six years accumulating nice-ish things for myself.  Oh, and it's tough when I want to buy a camping stove, propane, and tire chains, which all each take up just a bit more room.  Still have enough space to sleep, and for three passengers, (or two with gear/dogs,) can CRAM in.  Like, hippie-pack.  That's all that should matter.  Good times await.  The new world awaits.

It's funny how I hit the familiar spots.  I just did a lap through Good Sheppard Church on a dark-for-8pm Thursday evening and have no idea why.
As I left Chez Jose after a free beer from James and a free margarita from Raphael, it was awesome to get a call from JJ as I was unlocking my door to leave to god knows where.  But....
I don't want to be charged for an x-ray and I don't want to pay for any root canals.  After several sessions JJ feels the same as I about wanting to finish my treatment.  But the timing doesn't seem to be right on this one.  So where am I to go from here?  It's a 2 1/2 day trip for a 2 1/2 hour drive, and here I am, eating old work, making rounds through my old church.  Jesus pamphlets are $2.50.


PART THREE

Everything makes so much more sense with a companion.
A lover, a friend,
Someone to criticize, and someone to reflect from
An unconditional, entirely understanding bond
Sort of like that which I have with my teddy bear.

Although I always wanted to go with someone, I can see it now - going alone will be better.

Creating Truth

Truth is created in many ways
Such as a lie, a variation of what is
An imagined possibility one creates
So in some reality, each lie is a truth
And this world has progressed from creations,
Things that were once lies
Possibilities that became.

We all speak to be heard
And one thing inside each of us listens
For one thing.
One connection.  Relation.  Mutual feeling.
We all long to be together,
And here we are, apart
Stuck in a body, stuck in a mind
So aware of what we choose to see
Our senses react to what we're instinctively inclined to.
We know there is a connection
Foolishly we try to prove it, title it,
And as we conform to politics, religions,
Mass followings of pyramid schemes,
We forget this connection
Or misinterpret it
All of us have a power.
All of us use it differently
And all of us judge each other because of it;
Hate brings the masses to a place I do not expect to be pleasant or peaceful
Hate for yourself, your neighbor, and the God who treated you so poorly
But if we remember, fellow people,
All of us contains this hatred, this love, this power.
How we choose to focus it, as a mass of energy congruently reacting,
Is the lie I tell today that will be truth tomorrow.

What It Is

Have you forgotten what you came here to do
And what you have been connected to
If you've transformed life into a chore
And abandoned what's worth working for
Do you remember what it's like to have more?
Dreams, oh yeah, you kind of see, now
It's not about when or where, it's about how
Your thoughts may be dimensionally restricted
But at least you can measure pleasure before you're addicted
You insist on continuing to take it easy
But life is a challenging symmetry of queasy
And dreams, oh yeah, it's a bit clearer still
If you can't handle nightmares then take the blue pill, but
If you know what you must do and are positioning to dive
You're already awake and truly alive
For those of you afraid or not very assured
Step out of your own way, be not obscured
There is a task I'm singling out, but
I have no idea, only You can carry it out

thinking of you

tomorrow i'll look back on myself as a fool
i always knew the truth, but as you move along
i need to sit and remember for a minute
why i throw away reason when love may be found
and love is reasonably fleeting
why do i suffer in a muddy crossroads
a closed-eye fantasy of your face
while i've lost you to another sidewalk
an open-eyed wish to be there with you
a stupid wish, i always knew the truth
tomorrow i'll look back on myself as a fool
but i need to sit here and remember for a minute.

An Excerpt from "FUCK U EUGEN" from the Journal of Jessica Weiss, from the weekend of Aug 9th, 2013

After waiting all weekend to get you alone I couldn't say those three words. Not if there was never anything in return. Love is what we make it and I'm over the realm of fabrication. Our pathways are not the same because our roads may overlap, we must both choose the same direction, and I simply cannot follow you if you don't bring me along. Idealizing what we could be and where we could take each other has only left me heartbroken once again for what seems like a foolish dream of unconditional emotional surrender.

 

I will post more personal and provocative entries when there are enough comments, traffic, and requests to merit sharing the deeper confines of my journal.  There will be no supply without demand ;)

September 8, 2012

Help me navigate my mind, up, below and through
Take me on a journey 'cause I wanna go with you
We can remember all the truth reality clouds up
We can draw, write, socialize, or play with a pup

I may want to avoid and steer away from a darker spot
Take me everywhere 'cause i want everything you've got
Let me feel a little bit of every thing you've felt
I want to stretch my thoughts until they all begin to melt

I cannot disregard the mistakes I have made
Wish I could inhale until they all decided to fade
I want to erase memories but need to set it right
I cannot avoid her, must face the monster in the night

My face is lost I'll pick one up tomorrow
They've all been taken so I'll have to examine and borrow
Patterns, shapes and thoughts cascading, they all seem to rhyme
Nothing but the present is relevant at this time

I know what you're thinking, you'll always return
To that place where you want to forget how to learn
But there, and you know well, it will eat you alive
Literally, before help for yourself can arrive

So if I had a desire to take all of this on for a while
Would you go with me and show me in style?
And when i decide to get back on track
Please return with me never go back.
You know you want to say yes, so just do
The only one steering your spaceship is you
Know that there's more than just one way to be
So give up the bullshit and find peace with me.

1/31/13

Someplace I cannot get to without you

Though I might deny that much to be true

I know enough to see I'm a fool

At least that's unless I have enough of you

No matter our lives, if we're in it together

Whether in success, illness, or pleasure

We may both be great but together we're better

Surely that's high as is able to measure

 

Even if this moment is only fleeting

Even though someday one of us'll be retreating

The truth is that we can grow in love

Appreciation of selves, surrounding, and above

It's easy to cast aside, disregard, and place blame

But we search for a love so our souls can remain

And we must not lose sight of our quest for meaning,

Connection, reflection, that for which we are fiending

what to do

What to do with endless time, take a lover, make a rhyme, find a reckless party or commit a victimless crime, grow some food and eat it, try to earn a dime

What to do with endless sense, taste a berry, feel a quench, hear a tune of much content or see impossible become consequence

And what to do with endless knowledge around, read a book, interpret a frown, turn your picture upside-down, learn to walk with no feet on the ground

What to do with endless bliss, with everything there's naught to miss, conqueror of nothingness, unneeding of that or this.