October 1st, 2013

In my car, it's all packed up
On the street next to my park
I am uphill, looking down on it
Sort of saying goodbye.
Not really though, I know I'll be back
It would take a permanent altering lifechange to keep me away
Bittersweet familiar, mostly sweet but never perfect
Attached to.  We need to break up.  But we can still be friends.
This has been a long time coming, we've both known that.
But you will always be my past.

Also, this love.  This love I harbor,  This perfectly irrational unconditional emotional surrender.  You are right, we cannot work, and somewhere inside I have always known this.
You fucked me right here, where I'm sitting in my car, in another place, and with my selfish intention, that I must try to stop.  That selfish intention that drives me to irrational emotional surrender.  I can no longer fall for this state of mind, by the one I possess.  I must be rid of it, I must respect the emptiness it brings and be fulfilled with natural possession of my own.


PART TWO

It's funny that I feel more comfortable in the car than down in my park on a nice patch of grass under a tree.  A little ironic, this car is my freedom.  And by possessing my life inside of a vehicle I have condensed my emotions into the glass windows.  Love, anger, paranoia, patience...are all clear self-images through the windshield.  I only have myself to focus on, and my distractions are all tucked away in the Colorado totes.  I have no job to go to, although I hope to find one in the Rockies.  I do have a lot of crap.  Maybe not too much, but definitely a bit more than I want.  Lately have been trying to let go of stuff.  It's hard when I've spent the last six years accumulating nice-ish things for myself.  Oh, and it's tough when I want to buy a camping stove, propane, and tire chains, which all each take up just a bit more room.  Still have enough space to sleep, and for three passengers, (or two with gear/dogs,) can CRAM in.  Like, hippie-pack.  That's all that should matter.  Good times await.  The new world awaits.

It's funny how I hit the familiar spots.  I just did a lap through Good Sheppard Church on a dark-for-8pm Thursday evening and have no idea why.
As I left Chez Jose after a free beer from James and a free margarita from Raphael, it was awesome to get a call from JJ as I was unlocking my door to leave to god knows where.  But....
I don't want to be charged for an x-ray and I don't want to pay for any root canals.  After several sessions JJ feels the same as I about wanting to finish my treatment.  But the timing doesn't seem to be right on this one.  So where am I to go from here?  It's a 2 1/2 day trip for a 2 1/2 hour drive, and here I am, eating old work, making rounds through my old church.  Jesus pamphlets are $2.50.


PART THREE

Everything makes so much more sense with a companion.
A lover, a friend,
Someone to criticize, and someone to reflect from
An unconditional, entirely understanding bond
Sort of like that which I have with my teddy bear.

Although I always wanted to go with someone, I can see it now - going alone will be better.

Creating Truth

Truth is created in many ways
Such as a lie, a variation of what is
An imagined possibility one creates
So in some reality, each lie is a truth
And this world has progressed from creations,
Things that were once lies
Possibilities that became.

We all speak to be heard
And one thing inside each of us listens
For one thing.
One connection.  Relation.  Mutual feeling.
We all long to be together,
And here we are, apart
Stuck in a body, stuck in a mind
So aware of what we choose to see
Our senses react to what we're instinctively inclined to.
We know there is a connection
Foolishly we try to prove it, title it,
And as we conform to politics, religions,
Mass followings of pyramid schemes,
We forget this connection
Or misinterpret it
All of us have a power.
All of us use it differently
And all of us judge each other because of it;
Hate brings the masses to a place I do not expect to be pleasant or peaceful
Hate for yourself, your neighbor, and the God who treated you so poorly
But if we remember, fellow people,
All of us contains this hatred, this love, this power.
How we choose to focus it, as a mass of energy congruently reacting,
Is the lie I tell today that will be truth tomorrow.

(wake up)

it isn't drama

it's truth

it's awareness

it's giving a fuck about something other than the playoffs...or finals for that matter.

a lack of emotion is more dramatic in its denial than this honesty

we should be outraged.

Slug in Progress

Said a slug atop a tree trunk

As the light went away

Regard not weather, or if the sun has sunk

Be slow and steady in work or play

Slide with all the slime in you

Give food to the ant who lies broke with a fly

Find reason to clear trail ahead of your glue

And sing a slug song to all winged passerby

Even if a hungry bird will try

To catch more than a song that day

And reckoning war is just how one slithers by

And instinct it must obey

A bird may discover as she will eat

To fill her craving will never quite defeat

That loneliness that drives every hunger

We may slowly decay our own hearts asunder

As one slug we could snail alone in a shell

Create our own slithery reality of hell

Or wriggle on, for day is dawn!

In dryness or rain we defy any pain

Gradually a slug's life will slip on

Leaving slime on each trail he did gain.

What It Is

Have you forgotten what you came here to do
And what you have been connected to
If you've transformed life into a chore
And abandoned what's worth working for
Do you remember what it's like to have more?
Dreams, oh yeah, you kind of see, now
It's not about when or where, it's about how
Your thoughts may be dimensionally restricted
But at least you can measure pleasure before you're addicted
You insist on continuing to take it easy
But life is a challenging symmetry of queasy
And dreams, oh yeah, it's a bit clearer still
If you can't handle nightmares then take the blue pill, but
If you know what you must do and are positioning to dive
You're already awake and truly alive
For those of you afraid or not very assured
Step out of your own way, be not obscured
There is a task I'm singling out, but
I have no idea, only You can carry it out

thinking of you

tomorrow i'll look back on myself as a fool
i always knew the truth, but as you move along
i need to sit and remember for a minute
why i throw away reason when love may be found
and love is reasonably fleeting
why do i suffer in a muddy crossroads
a closed-eye fantasy of your face
while i've lost you to another sidewalk
an open-eyed wish to be there with you
a stupid wish, i always knew the truth
tomorrow i'll look back on myself as a fool
but i need to sit here and remember for a minute.

An Excerpt from "FUCK U EUGEN" from the Journal of Jessica Weiss, from the weekend of Aug 9th, 2013

After waiting all weekend to get you alone I couldn't say those three words. Not if there was never anything in return. Love is what we make it and I'm over the realm of fabrication. Our pathways are not the same because our roads may overlap, we must both choose the same direction, and I simply cannot follow you if you don't bring me along. Idealizing what we could be and where we could take each other has only left me heartbroken once again for what seems like a foolish dream of unconditional emotional surrender.

 

I will post more personal and provocative entries when there are enough comments, traffic, and requests to merit sharing the deeper confines of my journal.  There will be no supply without demand ;)

September 8, 2012

Help me navigate my mind, up, below and through
Take me on a journey 'cause I wanna go with you
We can remember all the truth reality clouds up
We can draw, write, socialize, or play with a pup

I may want to avoid and steer away from a darker spot
Take me everywhere 'cause i want everything you've got
Let me feel a little bit of every thing you've felt
I want to stretch my thoughts until they all begin to melt

I cannot disregard the mistakes I have made
Wish I could inhale until they all decided to fade
I want to erase memories but need to set it right
I cannot avoid her, must face the monster in the night

My face is lost I'll pick one up tomorrow
They've all been taken so I'll have to examine and borrow
Patterns, shapes and thoughts cascading, they all seem to rhyme
Nothing but the present is relevant at this time

I know what you're thinking, you'll always return
To that place where you want to forget how to learn
But there, and you know well, it will eat you alive
Literally, before help for yourself can arrive

So if I had a desire to take all of this on for a while
Would you go with me and show me in style?
And when i decide to get back on track
Please return with me never go back.
You know you want to say yes, so just do
The only one steering your spaceship is you
Know that there's more than just one way to be
So give up the bullshit and find peace with me.

There Is Some Thing We Cannot See

By every one's perspective
There is some thing we cannot see
Everyone Knows its greatness
To be greater than words
And every one interprets it differently
One may believe intensely in it
Or brush it aside
They may call it god
They may call it alien
The great Knowledge
Some respect it
Others worship it
Some seek its power
Still others deny it
Everyone Knows its greatness
To be greater than words
By every one's perspective
There is some thing we cannot see

the scope

an endless black hole for a pupil
surrounded by a fiery yellow sun
and waves of blue sky in a circle
upon close inspection can be seen
scattered red branches stretched long, like veins
all in an opalescent-white orb
and with her identical sister
they narrowed in a certain, clear way
opening to everything

An Exerpt from the Diary of July 26

Why do I miss you, constantly
What is it that makes me lust?
You are not ideal in any form-
But for the fact that I love you.



I will post more personal and provocative entries when there are enough comments, traffic, and requests to merit sharing the deeper confines of my journal.  There will be no supply without demand ;)

Rebellion

To be plagued by current affairs
is remembering the inescapable harshness of reality
We do not live in a simple world.
The tactics of mass control
are chaotically argued
as a great population
is thrown into
questions,
consumerism,
and rebellion.

from the deprived eye

I wonder how I will die.  Unfathomable patterns of science make death and everything seem to be just random consequences.  I could be hit by a meteor, or a bus, or catch a nasty infection from which my body cannot recover.

Accepting consequence as arbitrary
from the deprived eye
is believing conscious state to be greater
than a perfect immeasurable equation.

7.16 Why would I leave such a place

Several comfortable weeks of a comfortable home, work environment, and local-ish sexual satisfaction has this town feeling somehow new.  Again.

Why would I leave such a place?

Well, I believe, because of that question.  There must be something more...my dreams are whispering it to me.

Power is a Black Hole

one by one we are relieved
squeezed dry, distracted in the cracks
Power pillaged into a Black Hole
where neither those who control it, nor we
are safe

Relative Truth

Morality must be relative,
for there may be more than one equation to form a solution,
more than one righteous answer.

Perception is relative,
Truth is relative,
Morality is relative.

And relativity is a science
Science is math
Math is Truth, relatively.

Our Knowledge of Truth
Absurdly comparing with another's
Unparalleled, but congruent.

Spring into Summer

We must get through each winter before the summer
And attitude turns with the weather
In the sun, everything is possible, neigh,
Necessary, and who are we to oppose this instinct?
I know not what calls me to travel -
Adventure, escape, love, or immortality
I have identified my world and cannot humbly phrase it,
We must move past the confines of comfort and throw ourselves into the unknown,
So the world can relatively place us among fitting counterparts,
For when I walk this path I know I cannot find my own
I must leave fait to energy and only hope for the best,
Not search for it
Triumph should come naturally.

1/31/13

Someplace I cannot get to without you

Though I might deny that much to be true

I know enough to see I'm a fool

At least that's unless I have enough of you

No matter our lives, if we're in it together

Whether in success, illness, or pleasure

We may both be great but together we're better

Surely that's high as is able to measure

 

Even if this moment is only fleeting

Even though someday one of us'll be retreating

The truth is that we can grow in love

Appreciation of selves, surrounding, and above

It's easy to cast aside, disregard, and place blame

But we search for a love so our souls can remain

And we must not lose sight of our quest for meaning,

Connection, reflection, that for which we are fiending

January 17, 2013

So distracted
Blaming technology as I'm absorbed into it, hiding from mirrors
Just my face reflecting back in the computer screen
A blank one, timeless
My pen is lost
And if this path continues, my words will be lost in the pages of no one else's history
Because there is a world outside of both where I have lived and what I've become
When the years pass
Will my hair be knotted or straight
If I wash it today these dreads won't detangle
But the roots will be clean
I will be just a reflection of my choosing,
(And of course your reaction)

what to do

What to do with endless time, take a lover, make a rhyme, find a reckless party or commit a victimless crime, grow some food and eat it, try to earn a dime

What to do with endless sense, taste a berry, feel a quench, hear a tune of much content or see impossible become consequence

And what to do with endless knowledge around, read a book, interpret a frown, turn your picture upside-down, learn to walk with no feet on the ground

What to do with endless bliss, with everything there's naught to miss, conqueror of nothingness, unneeding of that or this.

The Shape that Carves the Line

Carvings of simple shapes and lines
Marking an extraordinary level of history
And modern profound thought
Is lost in drawers and cupboards
Buried deep behind this week's laundry
Underneath bills from last month
And a wedding invitation
So many directions of insight
Are muddled behind the everyday
Keeping with responsibilities
And the Joneses
Our race is in a race to fail or succeed
Creativity has already been done
As meaning is argued, not interpreted
In finding significance for a renaissance
By setting a standard, we have lost
Hidden art that could revolutionize
The shape that carves the line

Deja Vu

The animals began to have deja vu
So they prayed for long term memory
Ask, and you shall receive
The created things to remember, names, stories, recipes
And for every memory gained
One must be forgotten
Maybe only temporarily, yet
Enough to impact their time
As intelligent and advanced as they became
So went their troubles
And with the end of their time
Couldn't remember what went wrong

A quick poem of desperation

The energy around
We all Know and feel
Inside everyone
We can be lucid
We can be one
As many
We can understand this energy
And create a world
Instead of destroying one