October 1st, 2013

In my car, it's all packed up
On the street next to my park
I am uphill, looking down on it
Sort of saying goodbye.
Not really though, I know I'll be back
It would take a permanent altering lifechange to keep me away
Bittersweet familiar, mostly sweet but never perfect
Attached to.  We need to break up.  But we can still be friends.
This has been a long time coming, we've both known that.
But you will always be my past.

Also, this love.  This love I harbor,  This perfectly irrational unconditional emotional surrender.  You are right, we cannot work, and somewhere inside I have always known this.
You fucked me right here, where I'm sitting in my car, in another place, and with my selfish intention, that I must try to stop.  That selfish intention that drives me to irrational emotional surrender.  I can no longer fall for this state of mind, by the one I possess.  I must be rid of it, I must respect the emptiness it brings and be fulfilled with natural possession of my own.


PART TWO

It's funny that I feel more comfortable in the car than down in my park on a nice patch of grass under a tree.  A little ironic, this car is my freedom.  And by possessing my life inside of a vehicle I have condensed my emotions into the glass windows.  Love, anger, paranoia, patience...are all clear self-images through the windshield.  I only have myself to focus on, and my distractions are all tucked away in the Colorado totes.  I have no job to go to, although I hope to find one in the Rockies.  I do have a lot of crap.  Maybe not too much, but definitely a bit more than I want.  Lately have been trying to let go of stuff.  It's hard when I've spent the last six years accumulating nice-ish things for myself.  Oh, and it's tough when I want to buy a camping stove, propane, and tire chains, which all each take up just a bit more room.  Still have enough space to sleep, and for three passengers, (or two with gear/dogs,) can CRAM in.  Like, hippie-pack.  That's all that should matter.  Good times await.  The new world awaits.

It's funny how I hit the familiar spots.  I just did a lap through Good Sheppard Church on a dark-for-8pm Thursday evening and have no idea why.
As I left Chez Jose after a free beer from James and a free margarita from Raphael, it was awesome to get a call from JJ as I was unlocking my door to leave to god knows where.  But....
I don't want to be charged for an x-ray and I don't want to pay for any root canals.  After several sessions JJ feels the same as I about wanting to finish my treatment.  But the timing doesn't seem to be right on this one.  So where am I to go from here?  It's a 2 1/2 day trip for a 2 1/2 hour drive, and here I am, eating old work, making rounds through my old church.  Jesus pamphlets are $2.50.


PART THREE

Everything makes so much more sense with a companion.
A lover, a friend,
Someone to criticize, and someone to reflect from
An unconditional, entirely understanding bond
Sort of like that which I have with my teddy bear.

Although I always wanted to go with someone, I can see it now - going alone will be better.